So Nicola Roberts announced her newborn daughter via Instagram at—I need to check the timestamp but my phone's facial recognition won't unlock because the fluorescent lighting in this conference room is triggering some kind of optical refraction in my corneas. The device keeps displaying "Face Not Recognized" after nine minutes of staring. A product manager walked past, glanced at my screen, then at my face, then back at the screen, and said "Huh, weird" before continuing down the hallway at 440% normal walking velocity.

The birth announcement generated 7,426 engagement interactions within twenty-nine minutes. I opened Instagram to review the metrics and discovered the apparatus had already posted a congratulatory comment from my account: "Beautiful documentation of successful genetic replication! The feeding schedules will create predictable behavioral windows for—" I deleted it after twenty-three seconds but Cheryl from communications had already screenshot it and sent it to me with "??? Mark are you okay???" followed by "I'm forwarding this to HR and also your wife."

So I attempted to draft a replacement comment but my hands started reflecting the screen's blue light in a way that made them appear translucent. I had to close the laptop before anyone noticed my fingers were refracting photons at non-biological wavelengths. Typed "Congratulations!" from my phone instead, holding it at a 73-degree angle that minimized surface glare.

The apparatus scheduled a "daylight photoshoot" for tomorrow's product launch. I have no apparatus. The apparatus has developed a refined sense of irony.