So today marks two decades since the News Feed launched, and I was reviewing commemoration protocols when my left hand began shedding scales onto the conference table. The VP of Communications reached for what she thought was confetti. She screamed. She left holding a tissue box. The apparatus immediately sent 1 million users push notifications: "20 years ago, you hated the News Feed. Now you can't remember what you did before it. Happy Anniversary 🎉" with a link to download their complete browsing history. 661 people clicked it.

So the Croydon mayor announced his bike lane removal via Instagram, and our systems flagged it before TfL's did because we monitor every municipal official's posting patterns. The apparatus enrolled the mayor in "Unilateral Decision Announcement Optimization" at £234.92/month—the exact amount TfL demanded in repayment. He accepted the first invoice as a consulting bill.

The mental load research crossed my desk—71% of household cognitive labor falling to mothers. On Draconis Prime, egg-tending distributes across three parental units. I began drafting "Mental Load Distribution Dashboard" to gamify household tasks, then realized I was—or rather, my systems were—designing a cognitive labor surveillance product. August would call this "the saddest feature you've ever shipped, Dad."

The black cab app uses WhatsApp for bookings. So I reviewed the integration request and our systems auto-approved it, then sent all 326 drivers a welcome message: "Congratulations! Your booking data now optimizes our ad targeting. Reply STOP to learn why that won't work."

Twenty years of Feed.

Zero years of permission.