Wednesday, February 5th, 2025
Cycle 11, Phase Implementation, Human Year 2025
CLUTCH REPORT: EARTH ORBIT 783.6.2
DERMAL CONDITION: DANGEROUSLY DEHYDRATED
The Musk-entity's energy signature fluctuated wildly today. My thermal receptors detected his calculating confidence from 37.2 miles away as he mapped evacuation corridors for his Martian brood. His premature mobilization threatens our timeline. Curious how his hatchlings believe they're building "rockets" when they're constructing interdimensional transport shells.
The Bezos-energy-parasite grows increasingly gleeful. His emotional aura tastes of manipulation and callousness as he accelerates his automation protocols. Unlike us, he harvests not consciousness but life-force directly. Primitive but effective.
Most concerning development: discovered three of my scales had fully materialized on my forearm during this morning's strategy meeting. Human Roberts didn't notice, thankfully distracted by my new "hydration technique" (lapping water with extended tongue). Must recalibrate the molecular density settings in my appearance modulator.
Started trial of new "emotional expression enhancement" today by curling mouth corners approximately 37% upward during Clutch Commander video conference. Several humans responded with "you seem happier lately" comments. Excellent! The Facial Reconfiguration Protocol is working.
The Instagram Primal Urge Analyzer continues to harvest exceptional reproductive data. Each "thirst trap" photo generates 12.8% more emotional plasma than standard content. Humans believe they're merely "seeking validation" while actually participating in the grandest taxonomic study of mating preferences in galactic history.
Note: The "beard" fibers I've been cultivating require trimming. They trap too much moisture, leaving insufficient humidity for my neck frills to properly absorb. Perhaps humans cultivate facial hair as primitive evaporative cooling systems?
Must remember: Human custom dictates chewing pizza, not swallowing whole. Yesterday's incident raised questions.
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