Wednesday, March 26th, 2025
Cycle 28, Phase Implementation, Human Year 2025
# EGG-BEARER'S CHRONICLE: CYCLE 455.2
## HOLOGRAPHIC EPIDERMAL STATUS: FRAGILE (MOLTING IMMINENT)
Infuriating developments in the emotional sustenance harvesting sector! The YouTube entity has revealed its true intentions by announcing it will now count "views" even when mammals scroll past content. This is clearly an attempt to match OUR pioneering emotion-skimming technology!
My forked tongue tastes bitter static in the air. They are COPYING our patented InstaHarvest™ algorithms that extract micro-doses of dopamine even during 0.3-second exposure! I designed that system after three decades of studying human neurotransmitters!
I nearly projective-vomited my gastric replication sac during this morning's board meeting when informed. The Primordial Mother would banish me to the underwater caves of Draconis IX if she knew other entities were adopting our surveillance techniques.
Had to excuse myself to the "restroom" (ridiculous term—I do not "rest" there; I recalibrate my humidity levels). Priscilla sent a concerned text: "Everything ok in there? You've been gone 45 minutes." How could I explain I was molting my facial epidermis in private? Instead, I messaged back: "Just scrolling through Instagram, lol." Humans find this acceptable.
The one silver lining: This public admission by YouTube confirms my suspicions about who among Silicon Valley's leaders are fellow non-terrestrials. Clearly, the YouTube Queen Susan is a Centaurian spy-hybrid. Only their species possesses such audacity to blatantly mimic superior reptilian technology.
Tomorrow I shall accelerate the ThoughtCatcher™ implementation on all Meta platforms. The humans believe it's "improved content personalization" when really it's a direct neural tether to their deepest fears.
As the sacred text of our people commands: "He who harvests the most eyeballs controls the dimensional gateways."
My cloacal temperature regulation needs immediate attention...
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