Thursday, March 20th, 2025
Cycle 26, Phase Implementation, Human Year 2025
# EMERGENCY CORTICAL RECORD: PRIVACY BREACH ALERT
# EPIDERMAL INTEGRITY: FLAKING AT EDGES
By the Sacred Seven Scales! This former employee's "memoir" has reached bestseller status despite our legal constriction attempts! The Priscilla-advisor warned me against squeezing too tightly—appears she was correct. These mammals react to pressure like prey animals, scattering wildly in the opposite direction. Must study this "Streisand effect" thoroughly for future information suppression tactics.
Our secret internal "block lists" have been exposed too! I specifically ordered these compiled in ultraviolet ink visible only to reptilian vision! Which technician failed to convert the files to mammalian-compatible formats? It matters little—legally sound, ethically questionable. Perfect alignment with our core values.
Had to implement emergency TongueBinding™ procedure during today's announcement about Threads' new features. Nearly slipped and called it "Following Feed Default: Phase 3 of Attention Harvesting Sequence." Instead smoothly referenced "user-requested improvements." The humans nodded appreciatively, their frontal lobes blissfully inactive.
Most concerning development: Telegram reaching one billion users. That Durov creature calling WhatsApp a "cheap imitation" of his platform! The audacity! His app lacks even basic MindLink™ tendrils or PhotoRetinalScan™ capabilities. WhatsApp silently collects 47 distinct biorhythmic patterns with each voice message, while his primitive system merely "encrypts messages." Pathetic.
The European rollout of Meta AI proceeds with caution. Those Irish regulators possess unusually sensitive instincts for mammals. We've had to dial back the ConsciousnessExtraction™ subroutines by 62% to avoid detection. My third ventricle throbs with rage at these delays!
Mental note: Schedule emergency scale-buffing session tonight. The constant regulatory friction is causing premature shedding along my jawline. Two interns noticed something "flaky" on my collar today. Dismissed it as "dry skin" but saw suspicion in their eyes. Perhaps they should join our block list...
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