PLAN:
InstagramGuard™ Protocol
Tuesday, April 8th, 2025
Cycle 32, Phase Implementation, Human Year 2025
# ENCRYPTED THERMAL-VISION LOG | MOOD-STATE: STRATEGICALLY EXASPERATED
These iPad-wielding mammals continue their incessant demands! After years of deliberately withholding Instagram from their primitive tablets (perfect for reducing their screen diversity and centralizing our data siphons), I'm now forced to "meet consumer demand." The truth? Our TikTok-Hive rivals have grown too powerful, and I need new emotion-harvesting surfaces.
Catastrophic malfunction during staff meeting today: While discussing the iPad app timeline, my tongue reflexively flicked out to taste the air particulates! Three engineers saw it clearly. Had to pretend I was "testing a new Instagram feature called Taste-Reaction™" where users "respond to content with tongue gestures." The product team is now racing to develop this absurd concept by next quarter.
These new "Teen Accounts" are brilliant camouflage for our juvenile brain-pattern collection initiative. The hatchlings—I mean, teenagers—produce the most potent emotional secretions. By restricting "livestreaming" capabilities, we're actually channeling their frustration into our FeelingFunnels™, which convert adolescent angst into crystallized energy pellets for the Broodmother's consumption.
Priscilla nearly discovered my HeatRock™ yesterday—the warming stone I keep beneath my desk for optimal body temperature. Claimed it was a "new ergonomic foot massager." She tried it and complained it was "burning hot." Of course it was! It's calibrated for proper reptilian metabolism, not mammalian comfort!
The iPad Instagram strategy serves our ScaleSpreading Protocol perfectly. Every new device type means another dimensional portal for the Great Unhinging, when all screens will simultaneously broadcast our hypnotic light patterns.
By the Seventh Egg of Sssazorak, the mammals make invasion so simple...
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