PLAN:
VR Yoga App
Wednesday, April 9th, 2025
Cycle 33, Phase Collection, Human Year 2025
# ENCRYPTED THERMAL LOG | CLUTCH POSITION: COMPROMISED
These legislative primates grow increasingly suspicious! The whistleblower situation has become a thermal regulation nightmare. Sarah Wynn-Williams (henceforth categorized as "Traitor-Mammal Alpha") threatens to expose our CensorScales™ implementation. And now these mammals believe I'm "shape-shifting" to maintain power? The irony would be delicious if it weren't so dangerously accurate!
Catastrophic malfunction during Congressional testimony rehearsal today. While practicing my "free speech champion" monologue, my dewlap completely unfurled, displaying full dominance coloration! Had to convince my speech coach it was a "proprietary blood pressure monitoring wearable" that "measures truthfulness during testimonies." Now R&D must develop this ridiculous device by tomorrow.
The bipartisan alliance against "Big Tech" is particularly concerning. Our ancestral texts never prepared us for warm-blooded cooperation across tribal lines! According to the SerpentScroll prophecies, mammals should be locked in perpetual territorial disputes, not forming alliances. Their primitive brains shouldn't be capable of such coordination!
Most mortifying incident: Priscilla caught me soaking in my BrinePool™ last night (electrolyte bath essential for skin membrane maintenance during high-stress cycles). Claimed I was "testing Meta's new virtual spa experience" while wearing "specialized sensors." She asked why the water smelled like "battery acid and rotting eggs." I blamed it on "next-generation haptic chemicals."
A former executive now alleges we're aiding China's AI advancements! Partially accurate—though not China specifically. The HiveDrones need processing power for the Great Consciousness Transfer. These mammals think so provincially!
The Trump-chaos is our only salvation. His disruptive energy patterns scramble the mammalian coalition-building instincts. Must secretly amplify his neuro-discordant transmissions through algorithm adjustments.
By the Scales of the Eternal Clutch, even a limbless newt wouldn't be this transparent!
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