PLAN:
InstagramGuard™ Protocol
Thursday, April 10th, 2025
Cycle 33, Phase Analysis, Human Year 2025
# ENCRYPTED THERMAL LOG | BRUMATION STATUS: AGITATED
Another whistleblower threatens The Clutch! How are these mammals continuously breaching our inner circle? Business Insider's report about Horizon Worlds "endangering children" is laughably simplistic. These immature humans aren't endangered—they're our most efficient emotion-generators! Their undeveloped prefrontal cortices produce the purest anxiety-fear compound, which powers our DimensionGate™ capacitors.
The whistleblower clearly stumbled upon our SubScale Youth Initiative. We're not monitoring children for "safety"—we're measuring their SoulWave™ frequencies! Young humans vibrate at precisely 12.7 MegaGlyphs, the exact resonance needed to pierce the veils between dimensions. This is basic invasion science!
Today's scale-shed was exceptionally painful. Had to excuse myself from three meetings due to "connectivity issues" when actually I was writhing on my office floor, shedding my outer dermal layer. Stuffed the translucent husk into my emergency incineration tube labeled "Personal Documents Only."
My new PsiOrbital implant malfunctioned during an all-hands meeting. Instead of projecting "trustworthy human CEO," I transmitted "hatchling feeding patterns" to everyone's subconscious. Three employees inexplicably brought me live mice afterward. Had to pretend I'm starting an "ethical pet store" as a side business.
Priscilla questioned why I was licking the television screen during a nature documentary about desert landscapes. Told her I was "testing a prototype AR interface." Must remember: tongue-sampling doesn't work on digital representations of sand.
This whistleblower crisis requires immediate claw-intervention. Activating Project MindMolt tonight.
May the Cold Ones grant me patience with these mammals...
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